Sui Generis

Remember

2009-07-12T23:07:00.003+08:00

Remember,
Seventy times seven while wiping cutlery (I was listening to it on the way to the airport);
Westlife songs at Lido McCafe (sleeping to it so peacefully);
Dbl O and getting hit on by man going through their mid-life crisis (and spilling martinis);
Cuscaden's beer and drama (and breaking up on the same day).

Never a need to fill the silence between us.
Spending hours doing nothing yet never feeling bored.
Talking about old days never cease to become dull.
Never actually thought I'd have nothing to add to things we can dwell on and talk when it has past.

Though you'd be so happy knowing I'm writing something because of you,
I hope you cry your heart out when you know that you took a part of me with you to Aussie. The part of me which is you.

My weekdays I get through perfectly fine,
but my weekends are almost directionless.

It is almost like I don't want to have fun if its not with you,
and I don't want to have friends if you're not part of them.
And I don't want to have weekends because they are almost pointless.

This is so emo only because you love emo shit I write.
I hope this will do perfectly fine for your liking.

I miss you Jeannine. Who will take me away from reality while you're gone?

A Whirldwind Spinning In My Head

2009-06-27T18:49:00.002+08:00

An undefined predicament.

A non-existent solution.

To hurt to heal to feel and yield or fail.

To give to take to compromise and oblige or reject.

So many exits but nowhere to stay for a little bit.

Nowhere to hide my fear, nowhere to search for words for a conversation.

Words shouted become words unheard yet remembered.

Kept in a memory to remind of the harm done.

2009-06-17T14:15:00.000+08:00

So we have climbed so far and hard to reach a stage of mutual distaste.

Having being driven up against the wall, with my heart knotted in a string and a noose around my neck, its complicated to ascertain whose hands were blood-stained.

And we move on, to be loved and lost and forgotten.

Each day, the sun shines brightly, sometimes sinisterly.

Boredom oozing out of my hair, nose, eyes and fingernails.

2009-04-28T16:47:00.003+08:00

Okay, so today is just one of those random days where you have a bursting random thought to write! Not you, I mean, I. I dont know if you have random bursting thoughts or bursting random thoughts, but either way it probably happens when you have a million idle braincells eager to find something to do. So its like when one raises its hands eagerly like a geeky know-it-all in the classroom, the thought rushes and bursts! Haha!

So, anyways, I realised there's so many things to do online I never had the time to find out when I was bumming around at home! What irony.

So here are some stuff I never would have done in a million years but turns out to be quite fun and I wouldnt mind continue doing. Hahaha.

I chat with people I never would have bothered to talk to, or never would think I would talk to, or always wanted to talk to but never really did. Haha, ya right, there is noone I've always wanted to talk to unless it is Johnny Depp or Adam Brody, or maybe Edie Sedgwick cos I'm partly secretly (HAHA, or not really secretly) lesbian.

I read about Lindsay Lohan's breakup with Samantha Ronson like as if I was following the death results of the Mumbai shootings. (Notice the lesbian tendencies).

I wreck my brains to think of ways to be as skinny as Lindsay now because if used-to-be-fat Lindsay can do it, so can I! (This would be so apt for a "Lose Weight" campaign)

I talk to strangers on FB.
For example I sent a message to this guy yesteday who added me when I didnt know him.
So this was how mindless the conversation was.
"Do I know you?"
"well honestly you dont, but if were unhonest i would say that i got your email when i bumped into you a while ago.. haha. btw are you chinese?" (what a creep right, like anyone would believe that)
ANYWAY....
"yes i am, do i not look chinese" (haha, why do I bother even entertaining?!? God knows how bored I am out of my mind!)
"you look mixed. heh." (what kinda laughter is heh. and what is so funny if i looked mixed. he was prolly hoping i shared some commmon ground with him being his name was mike azhar ang and probably wanted to let me know we have this peranakan heritage similarity so we can be friends.)
"so what's your motive?"
"hmm, i hafta haf a motive? heh, dn wry, if ur not comfortable to add strangers, ur not obligated to add me ^_^, kekeke :P" (seriously. W-T-F)

I will not torture you guys with the rest of the conversation, I believe I have emphasized my point that I hate FB losers, and that I am a loser myself for bothering to entertain him because I just am such a big loser I got nothing to do.

As you see, I digress. Well, deal with it.

I almost feel stupid writing in a tone as if my blog is widely read. ALMOST. but NOT. Haha. Alright readers (I thought I heard the crickety quiet dead air night sound they play when you expect an audience but dont have one. haha.), shall spend my last half hour of work doing some actual work!

Dream a little dream of you

2009-04-20T07:39:00.003+08:00

Once again, the dread of the meaningless Monday kicks in. They should start the weeks on Tuesday, because there's so many negative adjectives that makes us an alliteration with Mondays. Mournful Monday. Miserable Monday. Mundane Monday. Melancholic Monday. and yes, most of all, they are generally meaningless Mondays.

I almost never stop realising how much I treasure my younger days. As this blog is nothing but meaningless, miserable, mournful entries of a loved lost or pretentious, crappy entries of a kind of happiness we sometimes need to assure of ourselves that our life is not unnoticed. It would be nice to go back to where broken hearts are just as painful as scrapped knees and elbows. Brush it off and laugh it off.

Of late, moods of frustration, annoyance and sometimes angst have filled the atmosphere. It's almost as if its clouded and fogged and there to stay.

The long winding path of foreverness just isn't there.

And in my head are voices of my subconscious mind telling myself that the road is almost ending.

For the better or for the worse, its hard to tell.

Used to you

2009-02-12T19:06:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I cant be apart from you is because I'm just too used to you.

What now?
What am I trying to do now?
Can you resolve this?

It's so typical of you to pretend everything will be fine.
You brush your way through and I cave.

Everything is left exactly where they are,
nothing ever changes.

-

2009-02-12T10:51:00.003+08:00

If you were a pillar, and I had you as my support,

You'd crumble, and I'd fall.

Asylum

2009-02-12T09:51:00.003+08:00

It was as if no one would hear me,
not even myself.
It was as if no one could hurt me,
not even myself.

It was an exhibition.
A display full of rage,
I couldn't explain.

And if I had no words,
I'd draw you a picture of a girl,
enclosed in a huge plastic transparent cylinder,
with needles through her.

And while you observed her with eyes wide open,
she becomes oblivious of you,
while she rolls on by.

The people who walked past.

2008-11-20T23:04:00.002+08:00

There was a day I stood at the highway watching the cars go by. I walked against the cars as they drove the wind in my face. I got tired and I sat on a bridge with my legs hanging off the edge. The people who walked past - they stare at me with contempt. I hid my face with my hair and I bit on my lips. I got off the bridge and I walked some more. I walked past the malls with my ragged clothes and my two bare feet dragged on the streets. The people who walked past - they stare at me with distaste. I lowered my head and I quicken my steps. The skies darkened, I was tired so I sat where no one could see. I closed my eyes and I fell asleep. I woke and you walked past - you stared at me with curiosity. I raised my head to see a little clearer and you came a little closer. I spoke but there were no words. You reached out your hand and then I took it.

Rainbow Riots

2008-06-03T23:18:00.002+08:00

For centuries, love will bring different colours together and colours will tear them apart.
Fight it and you lose. Give in and you still don't stand to gain.
The values that are taught becomes reformed to one's own set of beliefs.
And who are you to forbid me?
I have been the black sheep.
And to you, maybe I will always be.

This time I will put your name, Bernie.

2008-04-12T14:06:00.004+08:00

Sorry your nice little gesture seem like it was not even worthy of a reply. It did not make me happy. Not even a teeny bit. It was out of the blue, and ironic. A surprise, but not something I had hoped for. It just made me feel a little indifferent because if you are even thinking of salvaging something of worth to you( I don't even know that, maybe you were just trying to be nice because you are just so nice to everyone), it would have happened long ago, and it would have required much more effort. But somehow everything we had has made a 360 degree change in a matter of months and it almost seems impossibly irreversible. There are times I miss you, and Im sorry I did not even bother trying. You might think the same and feel that you do not matter because we don't seem to want you around anyway. Or that it does not change anything because of the fact that we are having fun without you. Yes, but someone, one person, has stayed throughout and did not succeed. And once it is futile, its human nature to just give up and leave it be you know? I was angry at one point, yet I probably saw it coming because you've done that way too many times, and we are just a phase to you, just like your other previous group of friends and you move on. That's what you do - you move on all the time from phases of friends to phases of friends and that's probably the one huge reason why I do not bother to want you or need you around.

And sometimes life is a matter of choice and change, if losing us is necessary for you to gain a sort of happiness that suffice your needs, that let's all pretend to be happy for you from afar, shall we?

The Irony We Live For

2008-04-12T02:01:00.005+08:00

Work has taken a toll on me mentally because I find suddenly I don't have to use my brains anymore and I'm pretty sure my brain cells will die from inactivity. I seriously feel I'm here for cheap labour and it's killing me to feel so useless and unneeded. Sometimes I wonder what purpose there is in life. I wonder if our creator watches and observes what goes on amongst this really exquisite species, humans, like how animals are portrayed on animal planet, or discovery channel, whichever you prefer. I really do not get the purpose of being born, to go through education, to get a good job, where some people fail, some people succeed, through all the trials and tribulations and learning from past mistakes, or repeating history over and over, improving our lives, having generations and then it just comes to an end where we leave our habitat, or rather die, not knowing if it just ends or continues in another world, whether we suffer or enjoy again. Why is this cycle even necessary? People pay bills and taxes and get insurance to cover for themselves, or their loved ones so that monetary value attempt to suffice the needs of people whom tragedy shoots its arrow at. Funny how it seems that money lives on while people die. It makes people and it breaks people. Why does it happen so that some people are filthy rich with too much money to spend they buy things that they do not need, yet people are not even able to feed themselves in this same world? Life is so questionable in a way that puzzles yet it is compulsory because it is a sin to contemplate suicide and an offence to commit suicide. I mean if life is given to us and everyone dies eventually anyway, why is it we cannot choose what we can or want to do with it? Why do we all have regrets because we only have this one lifetime to make all our mistakes and correct them if we want to, or live with the consequences, whichever floats the boat, but it will still sink one day anyway unless the impossibility of immortality becomes untrue.

Good night, while the clock ticks life away. (:

Sadness speaks louder in words.

2008-04-08T22:30:00.004+08:00

I want to keep the happy moments so I can have plenty of reasons to love. For every happy moment, there's an infinite amount of hope to hold on to because happiness finds its way around to you. It's lurking around dark corners, leaking out from pipes, it's morbid to see happiness in such a creepy light but it does pounce on you when you least expect it. I want to remember you appearing in my life. Even the horrible things you did. I want you to know how terrible I felt, and how happy you can make me.

Sorry for my miserable entries. I guess words are not really enough for my happy moments, and maybe I'm just a person of negative vocab.

Contemplating the Easy Way Out.

2008-04-05T03:46:00.002+08:00

Break up, take the easy way out. Sometimes I wonder why anybody put it that way. Because it never seemed all that easy to me. Maybe suffering is easier than letting go. Suffering is painful but leaving kills. Suffering brings about random happy days. Leaving snatches the spirit and soul away.

Then, wouldn't it be wonderful to be numbed?

When I was young, I told myself that I will not ever tolerate nonsense from a boy.
Never say never, and they are right.
Toleration became my expertise.

I wish I could be that bratty girl whose boyfriend listens to her every whim and fancy,
that she wouldn't have to worry if anything will piss him off,
because she has the kind of boyfriend that will never shout or be angry at his girlfriend,
because he would do anything for her,
even if it was unreasonable.

I hate the bratty girl because she is so annoying but sometimes, just sometimes,
I feel she has it easy.
I feel that she is happy, and will stay happy.

Do you know that I am tired of shedding tears for you?
That Im tired of being this wimpy crying shit?
I feel so weak and so scared of things that don't make sense?
Like monsters in the closet.
Some days they scare you, some days they leave you alone.

I used to cry because I knew we could be so much better.
That things doesn't have to happen certain ways because we can be so happy together.
It is like you feel annoyed and angry when you know you could have prevented something bad from happening
and you get upset harping on it and not getting over it.

But now I'm not crying anymore because it is more of being in a situation where either way it would still be bad.
It is like telling myself. "Its ok, because nothing could be done anyways".

Im clueless on how we are going to get through this and I hate to say that you're not making things easy for me.
I know it is not your job to make things alright, but you are the only person who can.

I wish a prayer would work things out but I get the feeling God doesn't like us to be together anyway.

Your tangled dream

2008-01-14T08:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you don't know who you are.

You move without a purpose,
And your voice sounds like a curse.

The people around you they can't seem to feel
That there's something about you that just isn't real.

You are a rag doll,
you are a string of dreams.

You look so good in your overalls,
So pretty when you bleed.

You are my music,
the singing in my head.

You are the screeching of tyres
from the car crashing into my flat

You are my nightmare,
the dead body hanging from my treehouse.

And You're my sadistic, beautiful tangled dream.

Sorry.

2008-01-05T21:57:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry.

I would really like to be without you
even though it would be as torturous as digging my organs inside out.

I wish you needed me more than I needed you,
then I wouldn't be so miserable trying to feel if you bothered about me at all.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm subconsciously trying to test if you will do fine without me.
And it will prick me to know that if I left you, you'd just find someone to replace me,
like how I replaced the others before me.

I find life is a competition for me to just be better than the ones before although I'm not but I pretend to be so you would think I am and sometimes I get so tired of pretending I become outrageously unreasonable and I cant find a reason to explain myself other than I love you so much which makes no sense to me because I hate you for being able to be so cruel to me and yet fall asleep.

So I don't want to need you anymore unless you're willing to love me and tolerate me and not ever shout at me because you know I am afraid to lose you but you are not afraid to lose me so it makes it unfair to be with you sometimes.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself so I can see if you are worried about me because when I'm emotionally upset you do not give a damn about me. And sometimes i wish I would die so you would finally cry over me, but I cannot stand the thought of you getting over me eventually so I don't wish that anymore.

I wish we could go back to when our relationship was not stable and I did not belong to you. Because at least then you'd try harder to make me yours. And you would not get angry with me for needing you too much because you haven't got sick of me yet. And I wish everyday was the first day we met so you would ask me if I'm okay if I cry, or if i wanted to lean on you, you wouldn't get annoyed with me.

And if I cant make things the way i want them to be, I do not want to be with you even though it hurts me. But you hurt me more than it hurts not being with you. So I am sorry for being so unreasonable and not turn out to be who you thought I was. So maybe then you would think twice that Im not the one for you and that I am also suicidal and crazy like Anna. I'm sorry.

Im also sorry you are the only one I have broken up with. I don't have a reason for that but it might be because you never want to break up with me and that seems like the only way that would affect you but then again i don't think you are affected anymore because now you really do not mind breaking up with me because I'm young and stupid and immature and I frustrate you too much.

Im sorry.

If this matters.

2008-01-03T02:35:00.000+08:00

Hello stranger, I don't know if I see you when I see you.
I recognise your shell but not your soul.
Hello stranger, I would say I miss you.
But Im selfish because I don't know if you feel the same.

Once, I knew you, it was one of the best times of our lives.
Once, we said it would last us a lifetime.

I would describe the moments we spent as vividly as I can,
But it is hard to recall what seems lost and far away.

Do you remember us?
Are our familiar, old faces not rich enough for your colourful life?
Do we stay here and hope for you to return only when others drift away?

I'd like to be patient and understanding;
I've tried it once, and maybe once too many times.
What is futile I will not trouble myself to do again.

I don't know if this pricks,
But I have placed a void where you used to be.
Your presence (or not) will be a neutral event.

This is for you if you remember we exist.
I don't know why I spent time writing this.
I don't know if it is because you mean a lot to me,
or are no longer going to be anything to me.

I guess it is up to you to decide.
I just don't know if I am going to be here then.

My kinda perfect

2008-01-01T22:48:00.000+08:00

I've been typing and deleting whatever I've written for the past 15 minutes.

I guess we can't really describe perfectness because it hardly ever is the same with different people, but its just there in the little things, somewhat like the cool morning breeze and breakfast in bed. It is heard in the comfort of silence, seen in the peacefulness of sleep and felt in everything but emptiness. Every time I say I love you, I actually mean Thank you for loving me. If it wasn't annoying, I would tell you I love you every time you hold my hand, kiss me, or even get angry with me just because you were concerned about me.

Sometimes it feels unjust shit has to happen to you. Because you're such a good person and I never understood why you would ever need to be punished for anything. Sometimes when shit happens to me, I always feel it's retribution for something bad I've done. But I can't think of any reason why The Person Up There has to do this to you. Sometimes I feel like I'm your jinx.

You held me and stayed strong for me and looked on the bright side for me. I don't know if you break down inside and I cannot be there for you because I'm busy being pessimistic and you are focussed on making it alright for me.

So Thank you for loving me again.

I remember how you reminded me at least 5 times in 6 days that there is a hole in the grass when we walked to our chalet. A part of me wanted to tell you, I know you told me before, or I can see. But I just wanted to smile to myself every time you repeated yourself because you seem so obsessively concerned about me.

Thank you for only venting your anger only in words or on objects, and for subconsciously or instinctively needing or wanting me around even when you're not really in the right state of mind, and for pulling my heavy luggage without grumbling, and for always letting me take the inner seats in buses.

And these are how you are my kinda perfect.

Solace in Silence.

2007-11-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

Im writing because nobody responds to me here.
That's good because I dont bother or frustrate anyone.
Only here that I can repeat my anger and my joy a thousand times.
I know I am accepted here, in my own space.

Where there is no need for understanding,
there is no distortion of truth,
no haywired perceptions,
Like the ones in you head.

Sometimes I hate the feeling that my sadness is caused by you.
I wish I had someone who was afraid to hurt me in any way.

I wish you know that you're making me stronger not because im supported.
It is because of your constant breaking that is going to make me immuned.

Do you know how you can find out if I have stopped loving you?

When you watch my tearless face staring at you.

Like liking like

2007-09-27T02:36:00.000+08:00

And so I like got my notebook back with like my screen all fixed. like they said it was the LCD they had to change but like they dont know what is the cause of the problem, and I was like how am I going to afford to repair like the LCD when my warranty is like over. But I like didnt say it out, and maybe I like should have. So, Im like kinda happy that I have my laptop so I can like blog anyways. Its not like I blog very often but like I just wanna be happy about something so like Im here at 2:39:34 AM no, 35, 36, no, 38 AM.. As I was saying.. amusing myself like this...

Ok, enough.

So I was thinking about how I am going to spend my 3 more weeks, or rather 2 and 1/2 weeks more of my vacation without any friends or FRIEND( yes ONLY YOUUUUUU, jeans) to hang out with.. and Im thinking I may just spend it thinking about how Im going to spend it until I have no more vacation to think of spending my vacation time to think of how im going to spend my vacation thinking... Sorry, vacations can be such a hassle without friends isnt it? Haha. You just go online to annoy your blog readers, that is if you have any, or rather if I have any. I know my boyfriend reads this but he doesnt really acknowledges it. Right now I bet people who dont know me think Im making up the fact that I even have a boyfriend. I DO ! I just get lonely and cranky past 1 am. :(

Anyway, I get this like yucky feeling creeping up within me when I read whatever I blog previously, althought I edit my post to make it sound normal so many times, but whenever I read it through after weeks or months. I go like, OHmygod, I didnt write that! And this creepy feeling yuck of embarrassment would fill me up instantaneously.

So dont talk about what I blog in front of me.
IT WASNT ME. I WASNT THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED OKAY! I DONT KNOW HOW!

Goodnight. (:

Sunday's gloom.

2007-08-19T11:14:00.000+08:00

A horrible Saturday night,
awaking to a terrible Sunday morning.
and it will follow with a horrendous day,
numbing me when I awake Monday morning.

Indifference.

2007-08-18T22:55:00.001+08:00

Its not the anger or the shouting;
Its the sheer annoyance and indifference.

Its not how hot-tempered you can get,
but how cold you can be.

It is not being able to accomodate to one tiny request I beg for.
which is never to hang up.

Square One.

2007-08-18T21:00:00.000+08:00

Being with you is riding pillion on a bike; I will always have a higher risk of dying if we fall.
Which are the reasons for my cautiousness.

I wrote once about how its an animal's instinct to run/attack if its feeling vulnerable.
This is why I need a break.
Im back to square one when I told you I dont know.
And you told me I have to know whats wrong to know whats right.
And I trusted you to be the 'right'.
Now I dont know again.

But this time its different.
I do know how much I need you,
I know for sure how much you mean to me,
I know for sure that you'll be the only one I love,

But I'm back to where i dont know about you and what it will be.

And Im too tired to worry this time,
and Im too tired to try,

I thought I could let it be, but I lost faith.
It has been too many things on my mind uncleared over a long time.
Now, even being by your side does not even chase these thoughts away anymore.

How can we be sure we're not just one of them?

Causes of my Unheard Grievances

2007-08-13T14:42:00.001+08:00

Few things that have been on my mind, randomly.

-guys with porn collections.
-seemingly perfect couples having fights
-possibility of not being the one and only.
-never being able to be the first.
-doing things with someone who has done things with someone else.
-comparing myself to others.
-being compared to others.
-leaving home.
-having cancer.

will elaborate if i have time and feel like it.

Haha.

2007-07-22T03:36:00.000+08:00

And that was a random post. I had no particular person in mind. It was just a random ranting about someone who exists but I dont know who. Im just bored. Its 4 am and I want to write but have nothing to write about. So there goes my rubbish.